you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
