I think i peed on brittanys purse
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
