I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
