Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
