Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
