i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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