Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
