i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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