I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
