Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
