If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
