Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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