I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
