omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
