I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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