I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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