How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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