I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
