wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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