I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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