I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
