either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
