She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
