now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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