you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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