i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
