she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
