someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
