one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
