dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
