my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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