operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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