her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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