Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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