The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
