apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
