Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
