..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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