Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
