he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
