I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
