My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
