I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
