Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
