Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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