I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
