i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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