some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
