I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
