i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
This is the high leading the old right now
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
