new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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